As I sat there with a stiff neck bending over my notes, trying to memorize and review all the material for my final exam tomorrow, I begin to wonder… how much studying is enough?

In 1 term, we take 5-6 courses, each with 1-2 midterms and 1 final exam: 16 exams. One year = 2 terms: 32 exams. Over the course of a 4 year undergraduate degree, we’ve taken roughly 128 exams.

But what about all those tests that we’ve taken in highschool…those exams in elementary school?

I will always remember the “try your best” mantra echoed by all the elementary school teachers. And this ideal perpetrated by the education system, combined with the influence of my academically talented parents led me to obsess over grades in highschool. I would aim to get a perfect on every test, no matter how much time was needed. To me, any mistakes meant a lack of studying, and any time wasted was time that could’ve been spent studying.

I thought I was defined by my grades - I was the “smart one” and any errors in tests would make me less of myself. It consumed much of my life and became an excuse to not do any chores, an excuse to not get a job, get involved in extracurriculars, invest time in my hobbies, or spend time with friends.

And in university, academics got so hard I could no longer get the perfect score. And there were so many people that were smarter than me so the distinction faded. What was left of me were still my friendships, hobbies, and sports. But I still tried to do my best. I would pour hours and hours into studying → it was all to get into the computer or mechanical engineering specialization that I so badly wanted right?

Over the years, I’ve realized that studying is an endless rabbit hole. In highschool, you study hard to get into a good university; you say, “I’ll just have fun later”. In first year of university, you study hard to get into a good major; you say have fun later. In the remaining years of university, it was study hard, get into a good graduate program, in graduate school, it was study hard get a good job and in your job you must work hard to earn more money…

So when do we get to have fun?

When we achieved all those things, the money, the job, the degrees, we’ll feel empty, and look for all that we lost along the way: close relationships with friends and family, enjoyment in hobbies and sports, a true purpose to learn.

Of course, I’m not at that stage yet but I’ve already felt the little things I’ve lost out on.

As I put away my books and sleep for the night, I feel calm. I have no knowledge to prove on my exam tomorrow, except the knowledge of the things that are important to me.

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